U.S. Set To Release New Tactical Bra

I Really Hope We Reverse Course. Soon.

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There will come a day when the United States and China go to war, the only questions are when and where that will be. Nothing sums up just how screwed we are when that day finally arrives like the piece I read this morning about the new tactical bra currently being developed by the U.S. Army. China probably has their engineers and scientists working on a missile that will turn you and into vapor like the old Adam West Batman movie. On the other hand, the United States of Equity uses their resources (your money) to make sure our ladies of war have proper chest support. It sure is a weird time to be a normal person that believes only men should fight wars.

The official name of the groundbreaking technology is the Army Tactical Brassiere, and if approved, it will be the first official uniform bra in army history, excluding dudes. Biden will hold a celebratory press conference, and I’m even willing to bet Fox’s ‘Outnumbered’ will have a segment, similar to their ‘Women of West Point’ bit on July 4th. According to Army Combat Development spokesperson David Accetta in a conversation with CNN, they’ve surveyed “hundreds of female soldiers across the Army in different jobs.” Instead of gathering intel to increase the efficiency at which our soldiers can kill the enemy, we’re conducting interviews to figure out how to make boobs bounce less during PT.

 One must laugh to keep from going crazy when you think about all the money that’s being spent on this bra. Raw man hours aside, a multitude tests have been conducted, including flame testing. Xi Jinping must be smiling ear to ear when he sees the guys who are supposed to be developing our weapons are shooting flamethrowers at sports bras. This is part of the reason I’m against our involvement in Ukraine and Taiwan. Our military is not what it once was and weakens by the day. It’s only a matter of time before this bra becomes mandatory uniform for male soldiers, I’m setting the over/under at three years.